Process of Healing

28 June 2012 ~ marks 4 weeks since I had the big surgery.  Wow...part of that time seems like a haze and recently it seems to have slowed down.  When I first came home I couldn't get out of bed by myself but now I am getting my mojo back a bit but I am still on limited duty.  I am not supposed to lift anything heavier than a gallon of milk and I am not able to push a vacuum cleaner.  So I have my little men help me out...hahaha.  I have them bring down the laundry and put it in the washing machine and we turn it on together.  The boys really have been good about this whole procedure.  And of course I could not do it all by myself cause I have my family and great friends who help us out. 


This week I had a minor set back because I had to go back in to the hospital and Dr. Gold had to reopen my new breast to drain some fluid out and cut out some dead tissue and put a drain in place.  It was a in and out procedure but I did have to be put to sleep and there is always that little part of me that is scared cause what if I don't wake up.  Silly I know but still a fear of mine.  Thankfully it all went well and hopefully my breast will heal in the manner it is supposed to. The drain hopefully will only have to stay in until next week. This makes the whole showering process a bit more challenging.  


I have been struggling a bit with this whole thing.  Feeling frustrated that this process is taking longer than expected.  I tell myself that I am one of the lucky ones because at this point they have gotten all the cancer.  I do have an appointment with an Oncologist in July and I should find out if I will need Chemo or not. I do believe that I will be taking Tamoxifen for 5 years.  


Someone told me that I would go through "Phases of Grief".  I think these can be applied to many life changing events in a person's life not just death. 

THE PHASES OF GRIEF

Many people refer to the "stages" or "phases" of grief. It may be helpful to be aware of these identified phases or common aspects of grief. It is also important to know there is no right or wrong way to grieve. You may go back and forth between phases, experience more than one at a time, or even skip one all together. All feelings are normal, even if they seem "crazy".

• Shock is the first stage of numbness, disbelief and unreality.
• Denial is thoughts or words such as, "I don't believe it -- It can't be!"
• Bargaining involves making promises such as, "I'll be so good if only I can awaken to find this hasn't happened" or "I'll do all the right things if only..."
• Guilt is a hard stage and difficult to deal with alone. This is a normal feeling characterized by statements such as, "If only I had ... If only I had not..." done or said or thought something. Guilt may ultimately be resolved by understanding that all of us are human beings who give the best and worst of ourselves to others. What they do with what we give is their responsibility.
• Anger is another very difficult phase, but it may seem necessary in order to face reality and get beyond the loss. We all must heal in our own way and anger is a normal stage along the way. However, you may feel guilty because you are angry at the person who died or because your life is continuing while his or hers is not. If you don't feel anger, don't manufacture it!
• Depression may come and go and be different each time in length and/or intensity. Give yourself time to heal.
• Resignation means you finally believe the reality of the death.
• Acceptance and Hope come when you finally understand that you will never be the same, but you can go on to have meaning and purpose in your life.

For the most part I try to laugh and joke about things but I have and still do experience some of the feelings listed above. There are times that I really don't feel like laughing or joking but I do know I am definitely one of the lucky ones.  I am certain that God must have a plan for me and maybe it will take awhile to figure out what that is.  Maybe it is that I am supposed to feel grateful for being alive and to not take my family for granted.  Don't sweat the small stuff cause in the end it really doesn't matter.  One of my wishes is when I am healed from all of this that I can pay it forward to other people.